Mind Ramblings 13: [Incompetence Is The Downfall Of Us All]

I hate when I can't do things. And, that's exactly what has lead to this day of melancholy. I mean, it started okay, or, I thought. Class was normal, ish. No, it really wasn't. I went to work on my character for 3DAnim300, the 3D class I'm in this semester, and I noticed something that really well, scared me. The controls for the joints were oriented wrong, as in, they wouldn't rotate how I'd imagine them to rotate, and that wouldn't allow for easy use as an animatable rig. To make things worse, I tried to go back to an earlier version, to see if the problem was only on that file, and found that no, it was on every single instance of my character that I had made since I initially made the controls. 3 MONTHS AGO. And, yet, nobody picked it up. I didn't, my teachers didn't, nobody who looked over the rig did. I realized what I had done. What I hadn't done. And, then when it finally hit me, the amount of work I'd have to do to get it fixed. I say fixed, but it's more like redo the whole thing. Because, well, it's quite a bit of work to single out things, fix them, and hope that they don't affect others. It's just, it's a painstaking process, and, when you're still learning, and not 100% confident with what you know about rigging characters for animation, it really truly feels like a nightmare. 3 months of work, one problem, and one day to fix it before we were expected to have it done so we could move on.

Now, I know others had problems like this, and may have even worse, and not say too much. But I can't just let it go. I could fix it, but, I want it to be perfect. To be working flawlessly. Yeah, it's my first character. But sub-par work doesn't exist in my world. In my mind, something is either shitty, or I'm proud enough to put my name on it. And, that generally means something that is made at a level higher than my fellow peers. With a few exceptions. I just, I don't like it when I feel incompetent at something I shouldn't be failing to understand, or succeed at. It's something that, when the problem arises, and I'm having more difficulty that usual, it really drags me down. Sucks me into a state of being where I am unwilling to do anything else, where I have to try and find something else that I am competent at, and can only get better. Not fall from my previous level of success. 

It's not only school work, it's other things. Take drumming for example. I've only been drumming for 6 months. Ish. And, I feel like I've learned a lot. Yeah, I've self taught all I know. But I was at a point where I felt quite comfortable with my skills. Felt they were at a point where I couldn't get worse, where I could only get better. And, felt like I was at a level where I was actually pretty good. And then... something happened. I don't know if it was my coordination, something to do with the way I was sitting, maybe my foot was tight or something, but I couldn't get anything down. Any simple patterns were challenging, anything I would have easily played through before became a badly timed mess of off tempo crap and missed notes, a pile of inconsistency and something that I couldn't stand. 

It's those times where I think, hey, I'm not having luck, no use trying to push myself too hard through it, I'll just go to something else I need to work on, or can enjoy doing and getting better at. See, I always want to make sure my skills are at the top of where they should be. That I'm always doing my best. And enjoying it. So, what better thing to do than get a ball at my feet and work on some little things with my touch and general skill that would help me. Or at least lower the level of stress in me that was threatening to boil over. 

Did it help? No. It didn't. I got out there. I couldn't take a clean touch, I couldn't juggle, I couldn't hit a ball with consistency, nothing I did was right. Yeah, it seemed right, looked right, I suppose, but every time I tried, I always did something wrong. And, it was getting to me. I was ticked off. Every bad touch just made it worse. I wanted to honestly go and break something. Do something I knew that there'd be no possible way I could fail. I was sick and tired of my incompetence. I didn't want to do anything. I couldn't do anything. All this error brought my mind into a gloomy state of despair, and I just wanted to leave this shit behind. 

I just want to stop failing. All the things I put too much priority on, all the little things I want to do better, to be perfect at. Yeah, perfect isn't possible, but until you can't get any better, or don't enjoy learning more, why stop? It's the times that I can't learn more, that my brain takes it in, but my body just says no that I really let things go to my head. That then starts my mind on a course of over-thought and doubt, and, that in turn crushes me. Removes any ambition from me. Motivation... gone. And without motivation, the day just drags on. Nothing left to do to gain back any happiness, any feeling of pride, and nobody around to at least temporarily relieve the stress. 

Nothing to do but sleep.

Mind Ramblings 11: [Survival Of The Fittest]

Survival of the fittest. If you want to get somewhere in life, you do everything humanly possible to get there. Well, this is evolution, and how species stayed, changed, went extinct. Okay, all good in the animal world, but what about us homo-sapiens?  We all hate the cocky prick who is seemingly the biggest asshole on the planet, the bro who we all just love to hate, but gets all the girls, and always takes your place on sports teams. Well. Nobody should be like him, people should care, and have some courtesy… or should they?

Well, no. They are just doing whatever they can to survive. All this emotion shit, well, as far as we know, animals aren’t as complex as us, and can’t do it. So, those douchebags are infact… just doing what their instinct tells them, and really, you can make the case that they aren’t as evolved, and we’d love to think that, but they are just another chain in this parody of survival we call life. 

Well, being nice, and for all the nice people out there, doing what they know to be “right” and respecting morals and all that jazz, well, just remember, we’re just a step up on the evolutionary ladder. We are all gonna die eventually, and none of this really matters, so I guess it really doesn't matter how we get from point A to point B, we’ll get there eventually. So until then, I’ll stay how I am, steal a Delorean, and on behalf of those who have a “soul” and are capable of “emotions”, go 88 mph right to Darwin’s door.

“Hi, Darwin… -knocks out- Survival of the fittest, bitch.”

Mind Ramblings: 10 [Life. Death. What's Going On?]

Life, we are born, we live to be a certain age, then die. Bam, end of story. Okay, wait, this can’t be right. How on earth does a human being, capable of having feelings, emotions (as we perceive them) just end? How to we just stop working, rot away, be reduced down to carbon? We obviously have no answer to what happens after death, so, well, I guess, takes us to wonder, how can we have feelings, how can we have emotions? We’re just molecules, atoms, matter, yet we do things that require such complex skills, machines, and a commanding centre to make all work. It makes no sense.

Back to the death part. So, we die, it’s over. What we perceived as feelings, emotions… what happens? Do they all go away, are we left to lay in a black abyss? Well.. no, not really, because we don’t have the senses or control over these to know what we feel… If we don’t know what we feel, or can’t… what are we left with? What do we feel, or experience if what we thought or perceived… is gone?

Science can’t honestly explain everything, and anything after death from a first person perspective is impossible.

Just think about this:

You’re sitting there, and thinking “When I die…,” then you’re just like…wait a sec…I won’t know that. You wanna know so bad, but you can’t. I guess… life’s just a diary, with the last page perpetually being torn out…

Mind Ramblings: 9 [Flaming Bunny Of Desire]

Okay, so I have a problem. I know a lot of cute girls… and yet, very many hot ones. But I always hear people talking about how certain people are so hot, and sexy, and it makes me wonder what the actual words mean in my head. 

I've never called a girl hot, I just think that to be hot, is to be something that is so easy to look at, something that draws your attention, teases you and leaves you wanting more. Something that unleashes a burning desire in you to have them; want them for sexual purposes. It’s a word that seems to be based entirely off of sexual presence and attitude. It makes me wonder, “Why would anyone want to be hot?” To me, all that means is that they are trying to show off, to present themselves in a way that is irresistible to others. Not gaining attention due to personality, (well, they still are, but I’ll explain) but due to looks and all the fantasies that could be created in that person’s head. Not going deep down, but viewing the person as an item, something to have, and be proud of. Nothing I see as anything that should be valued. 

Cute, on the other hand, portrays an innocence. Seemingly opposite to hot, it covers appearance and personality. Yeah, it draws you in, but instead of teasing, brings out happiness, makes you want to get to know, be with, and love, and connect with the person. Yes, there can still be sexual desires, but it’s on a more intimate level, cleaner, gentler. Cute girls seem to gain attention through their personality, and through friendships, creating everlasting bonds, not just a one time use item that ups the popularity and status of the guy thats with her, or the friends she has.

I don’t know how much sense that made, but I’ll put it like this. When you call someone hot, it’s very shallow, seems like it’s an opinion based on appearance and desire, disregarding anything beyond that. Whereas cute, although also being based off appearance, seems like an opinion based with the perception of innocence, stature, something soft, that really brings out emotions from your heart. 

You call someone hot with your dick, cute with your heart. 

Mind Ramblings: 8 [Shying Away From Life]

Okay. Lame post start…. now. 

I’ve been thinking, and wondering, and wishing, and dreaming, pondering, contemplating trying to meet new people. Girls, this is, and I wonder about one thing in particular. I’m shy, and yes, a lot of the time, this makes it hard to meet people. I see that. But what I also see is the fact that my shyness is never picked up upon, like people know, but they don’t do anything. Don’t other people want to meet new friends too? If someone you know is sad, naturally, you’d think you’d be a good person and ask them what’s wrong, or generally seem caring. Well, if they’re shy, shouldn’t you help them out, initiate conversation, make them feel comfortable? 

I’m only saying this, because more often than not, people say I come across as awkward, and yes, maybe at times I do. But really, does the fact that I’m really shy really mean I’m awkward? The way I look at it, at least when talking to people, is that, well, if someone really wants to talk to you, you’d think they’d try as well to start conversation, make things not feel awkward, at least try. But, I haven’t noticed this happening with anyone I’ve talked to. Being referred to as cutely awkward, and at the same time awkward and not willingly to put up an effort to meet people really gets me thinking, and somewhat annoyed. Why am I always at fault, it never seems like, as much as I am really shy, that the other person is ever at fault. Yeah, I’m not the most interesting, but this doesn’t mean I’m awkward. If people would just give people a chance, look past the shyness, just get to know them, I think we’d all be better off. Anyways, kinda a rant, but it really bugs me.

When a guy talks to a girl, he’s supposed to be able to make her feel comfortable, not be a dick, generally be a good person, a friend, and ensure that she’s having a good time. Okay, maybe not exactly, but there’s a few specifics, and I’m too lazy to go into those.

Why is it that it’s never the girls going to guys and wanting to meet them, I mean, they want to meet new people, don’t they? I just don’t get why everything guys do when talking to the girls that can be done just as easily by the girls isn’t done, where it’s almost solely up to the guy to make a good impression. Why can’t girls do that, show feelings, intiative, just something, anything to show they want to meet someone? 

It almost seems like girls can be shy, but guys can’t, and that’s the way society is. I don’t get any of it, and yeah, I could try to get over my shyness, but it shouldn’t stop me, or make me come across any worse than if I was the most outgoing person alive.

Mind Ramblings: 7 [Music And Emotions]

I had a thought today. About music. And emotion. About relating music to emotion, or, more specifically, listening to certain music during certain emotional moments in life. Why do we do it? I know me personally, when I'm angry, then the music I listen to will have more of an edge to it, or when I'm happy, it'll be upbeat, same with when I'm sad, it seems like I'll just listen to sad music. Why? I've noticed that, well, sad music tends to make me more sad, just intensifies the emotion. And, it got me to wondering. Do I subconsciously do it to get out all that emotion, thus, bringing me back to a normal state. Seems kind of strange, but I've noticed it with happiness, moments of sadness, times when I'm angry. It's not healthy to keep emotion in all the time, and I guess when I can't let certain emotions out, I do it through music, it's almost like the music does really pull out all the emotion, so I can get back to normal, and get over things.
I guess that gives another meaning to the saying that music soothes the soul...

Mind Ramblings: 6 [Independence]

Sometimes I wonder. About life. About what is to come. But, more about if I'm ready. If I'm ready to step into the world as a self sustaining member of society. If I can deal with the spontaneity of life. And, it scares me. The thought of all that, the individual aspect, the fact that I'm up to my own devices, and the fact that I have nothing to fall back on. What I do and what happens to me, is entirely either in my control, or will have to be dealt with by me. It's a strange thought, however, because I know I want to get out there, to be on my own, to make up my own mind, do what I want, and live my life, with the full independence that I will have. Independence is what I long for. But, it's also something that I wish I didn't have to go with; in the fact that, as a person, I want to be able to sustain myself, but also come off as a competent individual, so I can eventually, or when the time arises, make a difference in someone else's life. I don't feel that right now, I can, as, I still feel I have so many ties, so much holding me back.
One of those ties is a parental one. The fact that, I respect them so much, and always want what's best, or in their best interests. I don't like doing things that are against their morals, even if I feel it is right. Well, give or take a few things. I like to be open, I like to live, and experience the world as it is, enjoy every little detail. The times that I am alone, whether it be wandering the streets taking everything in, or at night on my laptop drawing, checking up on the world, connecting with others, or just out of the reach of these ties, able to do what I want, really are what I enjoy. It's almost a false sense of reality, when I'm alone, a glimpse into the future, holding me high, but there always comes a time, when I have to come back from my dreamstate, and to my world of dependence. Back to a world where I feel tied down to a system that is run off of money, and run to enslave everyone to achieve goals.
Which, leads me into the financial side of things. Which, I really don't like. But, it's necessary to live, money makes the world go round. I don't have that money right now, and, when I look into the near future, don't see it coming anytime soon. That seems to be the root of all problems in my life, or, at least in my plans for the future. The money needed to pay for a home, to pay for travels, my day to day life. I wish we didn't have to live in a society where money was the base, but, we do. I guess it's really only because I don't have the currently have the money, so it's natural to wish for an easier life that way, but, really, I just want happiness. And, in my eyes, full independence, as much as I fear it, is what really what gives me true happiness.
I'd love to be on my own. I want to be independent. But, I also wish I came across as appealing. I don't think I have a problem with that, as far as myself as being the only me there is, and the things that come with that, but, the bigger things, the major things that seem to create an attractive person. The things that make a person come off as complete, as someone who knows what they are doing, and is prepared, and ready for the world. I don't have those. Sure, I have the basics, but, there are situations I come across, where I just wish, "What if I had more freedom," or "Wouldn't it be nice to have my own place. To be started on my life. Because, until then, I really don't think I've lived. And, I want to live. I want to get a start on creating the person that I want to be.
I say I'd love to be on my own. But. In all honesty, I'd love to have love. To give my love, and to know that someone cherishes it as well. Being on my own, or at least the thought of it, cancels out the pessimistic thoughts of, "if only I was independent," and, the "I wish I had my own place". Cancels out the very things I wish for. Because I'd have them. I so often long for the independence. I wish I had the money right now. Because sometimes love doesn't just happen. Sometimes it needs a little jumpstart. And, I want to be able to give it that.
"Sometimes, it comes with a shove, when you fall in love."
And, right now, I feel that this independence is what I need, to get out there, to live life as me, and not as a sheep tied down to daily routines under someone else's watch, and to show the world who I really am. To break free. So many ties I just want to break. And, so many wishes I have.
Everyday I wish. Everyday I long for the time, that I can finally wake up, with the refreshing thought, that life starts now.

Mind Ramblings: 5 [Small Town Eyes]

Random thought, and, this kinda lacks a beginning. I was thinking one day, how much I like the sense of community seen in some small villages in the world. The connectivity found between people, the happiness, carefree, but at the same time, grateful attitudes they seem to have. Mostly in these small villages, as they really need to work for all they have, and should be grateful for it. It's this, community, or, more, the lack of it that really seems to be missing in the world I live in today, well, as I see it. It's this small town feel, if you want to put it this way, that I think I'd enjoy, the coziness, the personal side of things and the connections between people.
The thought was somewhat brought back up when I was watching Euro 2012, and how during the tournament, there is a real sense of backing, support from the countries, but as well, a sense of community in the countries, everything is thrown away, all differences, everyone comes together as one to support their country, and the beautiful game itself. And, it's this, as well as the attractive nature of the game when played well, that really makes up that definition.
That leads back to the game itself. And, the fact I enjoy it so much, and how it is partly to do with this sense of community, the idea that everyone is has each others backs, at least, should, and this in turn increases the enjoyment, and success, and, to win, it really does take everyone.
Another related thing, is a documentary on Lagos, Nigeria, that I watched. The citizens, although having next to nothing, made the most of what they had, and, living on a garbage dump, managed to build a little village, almost self sustaining, on it, and within it, they seemed to show everything good about humanity. Trust, camaraderie, a light hearted approach to life, yet, the dedication and pride to want to make the most out of what they had. No real conflicts, or at least, major ones, and it really lit me up inside. Made me happy. Because, I think that's what this tangent is about. Happiness, through the sense of community gained when you are part of a community like the one in Lagos, or a supporter of a national team, or player in the beautiful game itself, everyone working together to succeed.

Mind Ramblings: 4 [Dreams]

I had a dream last night. Well. Tuesday, June 26th, that really entertained, and, yet, at the same time, perplexed me. I really enjoyed it while I was inside, but, after I woke up, questioned what it was about.
I'll summarize the dream. (Or at least what I remember.)
I was with her. And, this other guy, who, didn't have a name. And, we walked around, outside, some suburban area, and by a few shallow pools. I found myself always behind, always, at least in my mind, the odd one out. Yes, we all knew each other, but, it almost felt like I was invading a dream. I didn't feel like this was something I had control of. Like it was my thoughts, my current emotions, my wants and my mind that so often goes mental over simple things, all put out in a story. I don't know, maybe my mind wanted to tell the real me what was going on inside the cluttered head of mine. Anyway. We walked. And walked. Somehow we ended up in what seemed like a school cafeteria, a low roofed building; sitting at a table near the front. They were talking (they being her and the nameless guy) and I was as well, but more or less observing, feeling left out. Which, lead me to get up. I walked away, wanting to clear my head, but also listening in. Wondering if my mind was leading me astray with jealous thoughts, or if it wasn't known that I was feeling this way. I heard words. Words about her. Words about me. Thoughts about me, and about myself as a stable person. I heard things I didn't like. I'll put that rather straightforward. They got up, and started walking towards me, I think he was wondering why I got up, and, that's when it happened. Don't ask where I got it from, it's a dream. But. I threw strawberries; a full container of them, at him. It wasn't the most violent action, but, it was with intent. After that I don't remember anything, I mean, even in my dream, it faded through time, and the next thing I remember is being with her. Walking again. But, switched. He was behind. Following, and, I was content. Being at my house, with my phone, and her number up is the next thing I remember, and upon waking up, all I could do was lie, smiling. Smiling because of the dream I just had, smiling because of her, but, also, smiling because my mind got it right. Feelings. Emotions. Nothing that didn't make sense, and nothing that I could take more than one way, no loose ends for me to get hung up over.
That doesn't mean I didn't have questions for myself, for what just happened. Because, I did. But, I more or less understood what it meant. The girl, obviously someone I care about. And being left out, a feeling that, in certain circumstances, is hard not to feel. And, the guy, just a personified analogy for the feelings that come with not being around the one you care about. The feelings that, on one hand are natural, but, are also feelings that, are somewhat unfair to have. At least as I see it. Because, they mean a lack of confidence, but also, trust in someone. And, I feel ashamed to have felt something that can be associated with such a thing. I don't lack trust in her, at all. I guess it's just the way I feel sometimes.
Dreams are a funny thing.

Mind Ramblings: 3 [Attachment]

I had a thought today. No surprise. It was about my feelings towards others, towards the special people in my life. And about the connections I make, and what these connections do to my mind. I'm easy to open up to, and, also, someone who gets attached very easily. This, well, I already knew, and realized over time could get pretty intense. I've had panic attacks because I was unsure of what someone was doing, or if they were okay, or even if they were doing something that I felt they shouldn't do, or something that my mind didn't agree with. This has gotten me more than once. And, it's this connection, this, attachment I build, that, along with my mind's constant want for answers, really screws me up at times.
I have friends. Yeah, okay, not many. But, as far as I'm concerned, and, as far as my heart is, there are 3 that really stick out. And, I could even go as far as to say there are only 2. The frustrating thing, is the time that I don't spend talking to them, but as well, don't spend doing anything. These are the times where my mind really gets going, and, as much as good can come out of this, generally my mind starts thinking about these answers to potential questions, where are they, what are they doing, ex. And, I know I shouldn't be thinking this constantly, but, they pop in there. Natural curiosity. Curiousity is normal. Very normal, a healthy thing. But, when coupled with the attachment, it creates these anxious moments, these times where my day seems to be sucked away, all focus becomes them; until I find something to replace those thoughts, of course.
Then, we have my thoughts about relationships, friends, and the difference there. I mean. Not that there really is, a relationship is just a tight-knit friendship, if you use the word to mean something of more significance, and, that's how I like to think about it. That way, besides being closer as people, the relationship never seems like it's a change from the friendship already existing. That it doesn't seem like ending a relationship would end a friendship, because, it's almost just a step back. If you step back from a relationship with nothing previously built, of course it's not going to be easy, or going to seem like you don't have anything. And. Those type of things, those relationships without any strong base, are the type of things that I try to avoid, yet, just due to my nature, find myself in. Let me explain.
When I get focused on someone, when my heart revolves around them, it is hard to shake the nervous/anxious feelings I get when I am unaware of what they are up to, or create the questions in my mind that I want answered. It's these people that, during these times, with them not immediately with me to end my curiousity, that I feel lonely. That I feel an intense longing for them, for someone. And, this troubles me. Because, I know that I do want that person, but, at the same time, just want to fill a void, And. So I do.
I meet people, somehow, because I feel like there can be a quick fix. And, that is where I sometimes get into these relationships without any base. Relationships that are really, not relationships, as much as two people, attached through some common enjoyment of the other, but with nothing to go off of besides a presumed attraction for the other. And, For the time being, the time that I know them, it helps. But. The thing is, the more I take that to the next level, or try and obtain that connection, those feelings between us, the more I want them. And, this becomes strong. It becomes so strong that it takes those anxious feelings away from my thoughts with the other person in my mind. Makes it easier to feel like the other person is just a friend. That they are a closer friend than normal, one you'd talk to everyday, spill your heart out, or in my case, every little thing my mind ponders. And, it's that type of person that you are really glad is in your life. As a friend. Because, I've learned, that, it's hard to keep an online "relationship" in my mind, just in general, there is too much associated with the significance of someone else, that makes it so hard to lose, yet, with the distance, so hard to maintain. I try not to delve into those. I try to keep them at the friend level.
So that is where I generally run into a problem. Because, I know that, on one hand, or, in one part of my mind, I have one person who is close to my heart, someone who I care about, and care about so much. Then I have someone else. Someone who is in my life, and is close to my heart, but, it's not as built up. It's not got as much behind it, it's something that, if it were to end, wouldn't cause me that much pain. Of course there'd be a bit. But nothing as if I lost the other friendship.
The other problem here is that I almost use the other person as a placebo. A placeholder. Someone who makes me think I have these feelings, these tighter, more intimate ones, and it almost takes them away from thinking about them with person A. (Okay. This is slightly confusing. The close friendship is person A. The relationship with no base is B) Person A means everything to me. Is a friend, someone I trust, someone who makes me happy, and someone who is always there for me, and I am for them. Person B is, as much as I want to think, all of these things, but, it all honesty, generally ends up being only there as a someone to take my mind off of everything else.
See. I can deal with friendships. And. I know when I have feelings for someone. But. It's easier to keep them  inside, to keep the friendship what it is, to build that up til a day comes to change all that, and, it's easier to go day to day knowing that as much as I feel for them as someone I wish was in my life as a more significant figure in a relationship sense, they are there. As a friend. But it's when I overthink that. When I think about the what ifs, the potential if those feelings were openly shared, that, it causes me to worry. I'd rather build a tight friendship than a relationship, in a certain sense. A tightly knit friendship is going to build into something more, over time. That is how it should work. And, it's keeping it to that tightly knit friendship, keeping something that I know has potential to be an everlasting friendship, that isn't easy at times. The want to make it more, always creeps in.
So. I put it on person B. Because, I know that with my mind, the attachment, if I think of the relationship between me and person A as something I want to be more, it causes all the anxious feelings. And. These aren't what I want. Aren't feelings I enjoy. They can ruin my days. So, how do I solve it? Person B. I create these feelings with person B, and, as much as they aren't as true as I'd want to think, they are still somewhat there, but more as a want. Nonetheless, it's enough to allow me to go about my days, and live. Happily. With person A where I enjoy them. Close to me, that person that means everything, and, at the same time, isn't going to leave. Where one second away for both of us just makes the other moments that much more.
In conclusion, a when the potential for a physical friendship isn't there, when all I'm left with is that online aspect, it's a balance. That I know I have two types of feelings, the loving ones, the deep, emotional base my day to day relationship with someone runs on, and then, the sexual, or stranger ones. Which, as far as relationships with people go, I don't like including. Because, as friends, as close friends, those aren't even something that matters, in the long run. Yes, it can be a measure of love, of intimacy. I guess. But, at the same time, it messes up my mind. And, all I care about is the connection to that other person. The feelings, the respect, the happiness brought on by them, and the happiness I can bring them.
Okay, this has lost all direction, or at least in composed thoughts that continue to relate to the previous in comprehensible, understandable thoughts. I hope the jist of it was obvious. My mind is a crazy place. But. In the end, the people that are in it, the people that I spill it too, the friendships that gain access to it, are the ones that, in the end, will always be deep, will always be the ones that matter the most. A key to my mind, is a place in my life. A spot in my memory, rooted in emotion, that proves your significance that much more.

Mind Ramblings: Love [3/26/12]

3/26/12

This post, well, it delves more into the empathetic side of me, that along with providing comfort, is really the part of my mind that digs the deepest into others, or, at least, into thoughts about life with others, interacting with others, just, the general social aspect of my life, that, really at times gets the enimga that is my mind going. Deciphering the thoughts this time proved to be somewhat easier than in the past. 

I was informed today of a close friend [sadly, not in the literal sense], and the apparent end to her belief in love. And. This, when I was told, shocked me. had me to the point of speechlessness, to the point of not being able to even begin to type a reply. It was like my brain was trying to process the thought, but was failing to even wrap itself around the idea. Not believing in love? I know we all long for some sort of connection, the care, respect, the want to be cherished by another. And when we feel that way towards someone, the feeling, we put a name to it. Much like magnetism is the force that attracts two ferrous objects, love is the force that attracts two beings. If I take it a step deeper, more specifically, love is defined as:

love
noun
1.
a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.


2.
a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, asfor a parent, child, or friend.

Knowing this, and what I knew of the feeling, or at least, what it meant to people, and what love referred to, made me even more puzzled. If someone gives up on love, something that they knew to be true, and wanted since childhood, as has been portrayed in just about every form of media out there, then what does that mean? Not believing in the connection between two people, not believing in the affection, care, desire and personal fulfillment? How does one simply give up on this? Is it even possible? Knowing who said it, and being part of her life for enough to know that this wasn’t a simple statement uttered out of pain, it really made me wonder. Because, honestly, is this something that someone can come to the conclusion of, without having suffered, having felt that there is no feeling of love, that it just doesn’t exist, due to things that have gone on? Losing friends is hard. Losing that connection to people, that, friendship, isn’t something to shake off, and, I think that, as much as we wouldn’t think of it as love, it is. And, after losing people you love, it just seems natural to begin to question what it really is. So, to that extent I can see where giving up on love makes some sense. But, then, when someone says “…it’s not real.”, you question what love is. Or, what we long for in life. If love is the connection between people, the affection, the passion involved, how do we lose that? Human connection is one of the most, if not most cherished things we have. It’s been proven, isolation can kill. So why would one not want that? We go our whole lives wanting to feel wanted, accepted, cared for. Isn’t that, in some sort of sense, being loved? I guess what I’m trying to say, is that, feelings, the longing for connection, being wanted; cared for, isn’t that love as well? Isn’t love just the word we use when we want to describe the connection, the will to enjoy being with people, the feeling of being cared about, the name given to what goes on in life when emotions take over, and it becomes almost an obligation to respect and cherish? Not that love is really something to be questioned or even argued, but it’s something my mind ponders. And is willing to ponder. It’s one of those forces that, is almost impossible to explain, but is there. Like, gravity, before an apple fell, we never knew what it was, but it was there. We eventually realized that gravity was behind this. Until the apple falls, do we ever really know what it is? And is it really something we can give up?

Mind Ramblings: 2 [6/20/12]

6/20/12
This was the result of watching a documentary on schizophrenia, then pondering time, which lead me to think about how I carry myself day to day, and the comparisions or differences between these people, leading off of a thought I had the day before. This idea came in my head, that, my morals, my beliefs, are held as law by part of me, but in the same way that I can feel as though I am a sinner for breaking those laws, I can just as easily do wrong, or, think wrong, and somehow at the moment in time the action occured, seemingly not find any consequences, morally, for what I had done. It's like I can check in on another state of me, that is completely dependent on my surroundings, and changes as they do, but still contains the knowledge and basic social skills that the (for lack of a better word) sane me has. My mind, I think a lot, but it interests me, the inner workings of my mind, but not so much on a technical, on a scientific side, as far as like, the chemical aspect, but the more like, psychological side. Not that that doesn't have to do with science, chemistry, but, it's almost like a treasure trove, a land that I've yet to explore, and am just touching on, just grasping the concepts rooted in this state, and taking them for what they are, learning from them. I can't sum this up. It's strange.
Here's the post, and yes, it's quite simple:

"Like. Um. Okay. This just came upon me. Like. In one sense, when with certain people, my mind doesn't seem like it's in my control, but when I'm alone, or when I'm not in the presence of certain influences, shows the real me. It's like, I'm still stuck in the mindset that when I'm with others, well, certain ones, I have to like, prove that I'm something. Yet, my mind gets whittled down to a dumb state, that, as much as it's still the same mind, it's not entirely in my hands. And, thus, these things that I say, or like, think, aren’t said by, well, me, or my mind, but some outside source channeling the things I
know and filtering out all the dumbed down thoughts, which get spoken."

Mind Ramblings: 1 [6/19/12]

I needed a sort of archive for the constant rambling that I do, the thoughts that come out of my mind, regardless how disjointed, or incomprehensible. This is just that.

6/19/12
I just like. Felt so guilty that part of the reason I liked the band was because the girls were so cute, and like. Those thoughts, that pop in my head, that, I try so hard to control... like. The whole. "Omg. You're fucking adorable" sorta thoughts, or like, thoughts where my mind isn't thinking things through, and only wanting to satisfy my current needs, and, at the same time, almost like, it's not me making these judgments as well. I just, there are times when I just don't feel like... me, and when I come off like that, or make comments that are more or less like that, it like, makes me feel.. blah inside. Because, I know, that, yeah, people do judge people based on appearance, but, there are times when I get so caught up in it, that it negatively affects me. And, well. With the whole loneliness thing. I meet people, and wish I actually knew them, or like, want to know them, but like. Know it's just a stupid fantasy. Like that girl. Who's like. 41 days younger than me. Lead singer/and drummer of that band. They both are. And, drawing them.. the feeling of loneliness crept up on me, and, well. Made me wish that my mind didn't always do that. That part of me that gets lonely every two seconds, would realize that I have friends, that, there will come a time in the near future when I'm not, and, it really, like, it's hard to control the lonely side of me, but, at the same time, the way it affects me seems to change with the wind. 
Anyhoo, that, well. Turned into more than I thought. But. Yeah. 
I just like. Half the time I just need to get random thoughts out of my cluttered mind. Half the time they actually have content directed at, well, the people I ramble to. (Which, happens to be you 99% of the time) And. Like, sometimes I just, I think, when I'm walking around day to day, and do things, that, I almost feel like I didn't do, like, something else made me, someone influenced it, and like, I'm not religious, but, when I do things like that, like, certain things, it feels like I've sinned or something. And. I dunno. Again, I don't know what I'm trying to say, just getting thoughts out of my head. But. After soccer. If you are available to, I kinda like. Have more rambles. That have more direction and sense to them. One direction ;P But. Yeah. I have to go to soccer in ten minutes. Like. Before I go. I'll try to create a comprehensible thought. Like. Inside, my morals, I know what is right, and what is wrong, but, sometimes I think on the wrong side of things. And, it really gets me, like, with the people I know. The people I currently talk to. I really only hold 2 or 3 as being close to me. The others, feel almost disposable. Which, I never thought I'd ever be able to think. It's like, I can't not be nice. I want to make a difference in these people's lives, and make them feel happy. But, then sometimes that side of me that judges based on appearance gets in. And, Along with other thoughts, and it makes me want to go against my niceness, and try to push the person away. And, it hurts.  It's like when I meet people to try and satisfy my lonely needs, and, as self centered or something as that is, for my happiness. And, That is where inside, it feels like I've sinned. Because, I know these people are nice, and that I want to be nice and always keep in contact wth them, hang out, and generally be a good friend, but at the same time, so many people in my life seem to come in and out, sometimes the same people, and it gets weird. I wish this would come out the way it is in my mind. But, I think you get what I'm saying. Like. I wanna be nice, but, in being nice, I get stuck, and then feel like it's a sin in doing something that from that point on wouldn't be considered, well, nice. Being nice is hard! It's like, my empathetic nature is what I'd think, generally, is my best like, feature. But, at the same time, it can, like. Get me in sticky places, where, the only option I feel is right, is actually wrong, as, pushing people away is against my morals, and, generally wrong to begin with. But. Yeah. I dunno where that thought is going either. But, like, I'll explain after?  Cause, you're like. A sponge. Even though it's hard to get what I say, you absorb my thoughts when they come out, and, as much as they sometimes don't make sense in your head, you are always there to clean up my mind. And. (This next part is gonna be weird. But, I don't know how to put the words together in a sentence that isn't miles long.) Happy. Yay. Smile. Waffle. Rambles. Random. Happy. In caveman, I suppose. Me happy waffle make happy me. C: