I had a thought today. No surprise. It was about my feelings towards others, towards the special people in my life. And about the connections I make, and what these connections do to my mind. I'm easy to open up to, and, also, someone who gets attached very easily. This, well, I already knew, and realized over time could get pretty intense. I've had panic attacks because I was unsure of what someone was doing, or if they were okay, or even if they were doing something that I felt they shouldn't do, or something that my mind didn't agree with. This has gotten me more than once. And, it's this connection, this, attachment I build, that, along with my mind's constant want for answers, really screws me up at times.
I have friends. Yeah, okay, not many. But, as far as I'm concerned, and, as far as my heart is, there are 3 that really stick out. And, I could even go as far as to say there are only 2. The frustrating thing, is the time that I don't spend talking to them, but as well, don't spend doing anything. These are the times where my mind really gets going, and, as much as good can come out of this, generally my mind starts thinking about these answers to potential questions, where are they, what are they doing, ex. And, I know I shouldn't be thinking this constantly, but, they pop in there. Natural curiosity. Curiousity is normal. Very normal, a healthy thing. But, when coupled with the attachment, it creates these anxious moments, these times where my day seems to be sucked away, all focus becomes them; until I find something to replace those thoughts, of course.
Then, we have my thoughts about relationships, friends, and the difference there. I mean. Not that there really is, a relationship is just a tight-knit friendship, if you use the word to mean something of more significance, and, that's how I like to think about it. That way, besides being closer as people, the relationship never seems like it's a change from the friendship already existing. That it doesn't seem like ending a relationship would end a friendship, because, it's almost just a step back. If you step back from a relationship with nothing previously built, of course it's not going to be easy, or going to seem like you don't have anything. And. Those type of things, those relationships without any strong base, are the type of things that I try to avoid, yet, just due to my nature, find myself in. Let me explain.
When I get focused on someone, when my heart revolves around them, it is hard to shake the nervous/anxious feelings I get when I am unaware of what they are up to, or create the questions in my mind that I want answered. It's these people that, during these times, with them not immediately with me to end my curiousity, that I feel lonely. That I feel an intense longing for them, for someone. And, this troubles me. Because, I know that I do want that person, but, at the same time, just want to fill a void, And. So I do.
I meet people, somehow, because I feel like there can be a quick fix. And, that is where I sometimes get into these relationships without any base. Relationships that are really, not relationships, as much as two people, attached through some common enjoyment of the other, but with nothing to go off of besides a presumed attraction for the other. And, For the time being, the time that I know them, it helps. But. The thing is, the more I take that to the next level, or try and obtain that connection, those feelings between us, the more I want them. And, this becomes strong. It becomes so strong that it takes those anxious feelings away from my thoughts with the other person in my mind. Makes it easier to feel like the other person is just a friend. That they are a closer friend than normal, one you'd talk to everyday, spill your heart out, or in my case, every little thing my mind ponders. And, it's that type of person that you are really glad is in your life. As a friend. Because, I've learned, that, it's hard to keep an online "relationship" in my mind, just in general, there is too much associated with the significance of someone else, that makes it so hard to lose, yet, with the distance, so hard to maintain. I try not to delve into those. I try to keep them at the friend level.
So that is where I generally run into a problem. Because, I know that, on one hand, or, in one part of my mind, I have one person who is close to my heart, someone who I care about, and care about so much. Then I have someone else. Someone who is in my life, and is close to my heart, but, it's not as built up. It's not got as much behind it, it's something that, if it were to end, wouldn't cause me that much pain. Of course there'd be a bit. But nothing as if I lost the other friendship.
The other problem here is that I almost use the other person as a placebo. A placeholder. Someone who makes me think I have these feelings, these tighter, more intimate ones, and it almost takes them away from thinking about them with person A. (Okay. This is slightly confusing. The close friendship is person A. The relationship with no base is B) Person A means everything to me. Is a friend, someone I trust, someone who makes me happy, and someone who is always there for me, and I am for them. Person B is, as much as I want to think, all of these things, but, it all honesty, generally ends up being only there as a someone to take my mind off of everything else.
See. I can deal with friendships. And. I know when I have feelings for someone. But. It's easier to keep them inside, to keep the friendship what it is, to build that up til a day comes to change all that, and, it's easier to go day to day knowing that as much as I feel for them as someone I wish was in my life as a more significant figure in a relationship sense, they are there. As a friend. But it's when I overthink that. When I think about the what ifs, the potential if those feelings were openly shared, that, it causes me to worry. I'd rather build a tight friendship than a relationship, in a certain sense. A tightly knit friendship is going to build into something more, over time. That is how it should work. And, it's keeping it to that tightly knit friendship, keeping something that I know has potential to be an everlasting friendship, that isn't easy at times. The want to make it more, always creeps in.
So. I put it on person B. Because, I know that with my mind, the attachment, if I think of the relationship between me and person A as something I want to be more, it causes all the anxious feelings. And. These aren't what I want. Aren't feelings I enjoy. They can ruin my days. So, how do I solve it? Person B. I create these feelings with person B, and, as much as they aren't as true as I'd want to think, they are still somewhat there, but more as a want. Nonetheless, it's enough to allow me to go about my days, and live. Happily. With person A where I enjoy them. Close to me, that person that means everything, and, at the same time, isn't going to leave. Where one second away for both of us just makes the other moments that much more.
In conclusion, a when the potential for a physical friendship isn't there, when all I'm left with is that online aspect, it's a balance. That I know I have two types of feelings, the loving ones, the deep, emotional base my day to day relationship with someone runs on, and then, the sexual, or stranger ones. Which, as far as relationships with people go, I don't like including. Because, as friends, as close friends, those aren't even something that matters, in the long run. Yes, it can be a measure of love, of intimacy. I guess. But, at the same time, it messes up my mind. And, all I care about is the connection to that other person. The feelings, the respect, the happiness brought on by them, and the happiness I can bring them.
Okay, this has lost all direction, or at least in composed thoughts that continue to relate to the previous in comprehensible, understandable thoughts. I hope the jist of it was obvious. My mind is a crazy place. But. In the end, the people that are in it, the people that I spill it too, the friendships that gain access to it, are the ones that, in the end, will always be deep, will always be the ones that matter the most. A key to my mind, is a place in my life. A spot in my memory, rooted in emotion, that proves your significance that much more.
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