I needed a sort of archive for the constant rambling that I do, the thoughts that come out of my mind, regardless how disjointed, or incomprehensible. This is just that.
6/19/12
I just like. Felt so guilty that part of the reason I liked the band was because the girls were so cute, and like. Those thoughts, that pop in my head, that, I try so hard to control... like. The whole. "Omg. You're fucking adorable" sorta thoughts, or like, thoughts where my mind isn't thinking things through, and only wanting to satisfy my current needs, and, at the same time, almost like, it's not me making these judgments as well. I just, there are times when I just don't feel like... me, and when I come off like that, or make comments that are more or less like that, it like, makes me feel.. blah inside. Because, I know, that, yeah, people do judge people based on appearance, but, there are times when I get so caught up in it, that it negatively affects me. And, well. With the whole loneliness thing. I meet people, and wish I actually knew them, or like, want to know them, but like. Know it's just a stupid fantasy. Like that girl. Who's like. 41 days younger than me. Lead singer/and drummer of that band. They both are. And, drawing them.. the feeling of loneliness crept up on me, and, well. Made me wish that my mind didn't always do that. That part of me that gets lonely every two seconds, would realize that I have friends, that, there will come a time in the near future when I'm not, and, it really, like, it's hard to control the lonely side of me, but, at the same time, the way it affects me seems to change with the wind.
Anyhoo, that, well. Turned into more than I thought. But. Yeah.
I just like. Half the time I just need to get random thoughts out of my cluttered mind. Half the time they actually have content directed at, well, the people I ramble to. (Which, happens to be you 99% of the time) And. Like, sometimes I just, I think, when I'm walking around day to day, and do things, that, I almost feel like I didn't do, like, something else made me, someone influenced it, and like, I'm not religious, but, when I do things like that, like, certain things, it feels like I've sinned or something. And. I dunno. Again, I don't know what I'm trying to say, just getting thoughts out of my head. But. After soccer. If you are available to, I kinda like. Have more rambles. That have more direction and sense to them. One direction ;P But. Yeah. I have to go to soccer in ten minutes. Like. Before I go. I'll try to create a comprehensible thought. Like. Inside, my morals, I know what is right, and what is wrong, but, sometimes I think on the wrong side of things. And, it really gets me, like, with the people I know. The people I currently talk to. I really only hold 2 or 3 as being close to me. The others, feel almost disposable. Which, I never thought I'd ever be able to think. It's like, I can't not be nice. I want to make a difference in these people's lives, and make them feel happy. But, then sometimes that side of me that judges based on appearance gets in. And, Along with other thoughts, and it makes me want to go against my niceness, and try to push the person away. And, it hurts. It's like when I meet people to try and satisfy my lonely needs, and, as self centered or something as that is, for my happiness. And, That is where inside, it feels like I've sinned. Because, I know these people are nice, and that I want to be nice and always keep in contact wth them, hang out, and generally be a good friend, but at the same time, so many people in my life seem to come in and out, sometimes the same people, and it gets weird. I wish this would come out the way it is in my mind. But, I think you get what I'm saying. Like. I wanna be nice, but, in being nice, I get stuck, and then feel like it's a sin in doing something that from that point on wouldn't be considered, well, nice. Being nice is hard! It's like, my empathetic nature is what I'd think, generally, is my best like, feature. But, at the same time, it can, like. Get me in sticky places, where, the only option I feel is right, is actually wrong, as, pushing people away is against my morals, and, generally wrong to begin with. But. Yeah. I dunno where that thought is going either. But, like, I'll explain after? Cause, you're like. A sponge. Even though it's hard to get what I say, you absorb my thoughts when they come out, and, as much as they sometimes don't make sense in your head, you are always there to clean up my mind. And. (This next part is gonna be weird. But, I don't know how to put the words together in a sentence that isn't miles long.) Happy. Yay. Smile. Waffle. Rambles. Random. Happy. In caveman, I suppose. Me happy waffle make happy me. C:
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