Sometimes I wonder. About life. About what is to come. But, more about if I'm ready. If I'm ready to step into the world as a self sustaining member of society. If I can deal with the spontaneity of life. And, it scares me. The thought of all that, the individual aspect, the fact that I'm up to my own devices, and the fact that I have nothing to fall back on. What I do and what happens to me, is entirely either in my control, or will have to be dealt with by me. It's a strange thought, however, because I know I want to get out there, to be on my own, to make up my own mind, do what I want, and live my life, with the full independence that I will have. Independence is what I long for. But, it's also something that I wish I didn't have to go with; in the fact that, as a person, I want to be able to sustain myself, but also come off as a competent individual, so I can eventually, or when the time arises, make a difference in someone else's life. I don't feel that right now, I can, as, I still feel I have so many ties, so much holding me back.
One of those ties is a parental one. The fact that, I respect them so much, and always want what's best, or in their best interests. I don't like doing things that are against their morals, even if I feel it is right. Well, give or take a few things. I like to be open, I like to live, and experience the world as it is, enjoy every little detail. The times that I am alone, whether it be wandering the streets taking everything in, or at night on my laptop drawing, checking up on the world, connecting with others, or just out of the reach of these ties, able to do what I want, really are what I enjoy. It's almost a false sense of reality, when I'm alone, a glimpse into the future, holding me high, but there always comes a time, when I have to come back from my dreamstate, and to my world of dependence. Back to a world where I feel tied down to a system that is run off of money, and run to enslave everyone to achieve goals.
Which, leads me into the financial side of things. Which, I really don't like. But, it's necessary to live, money makes the world go round. I don't have that money right now, and, when I look into the near future, don't see it coming anytime soon. That seems to be the root of all problems in my life, or, at least in my plans for the future. The money needed to pay for a home, to pay for travels, my day to day life. I wish we didn't have to live in a society where money was the base, but, we do. I guess it's really only because I don't have the currently have the money, so it's natural to wish for an easier life that way, but, really, I just want happiness. And, in my eyes, full independence, as much as I fear it, is what really what gives me true happiness.
I'd love to be on my own. I want to be independent. But, I also wish I came across as appealing. I don't think I have a problem with that, as far as myself as being the only me there is, and the things that come with that, but, the bigger things, the major things that seem to create an attractive person. The things that make a person come off as complete, as someone who knows what they are doing, and is prepared, and ready for the world. I don't have those. Sure, I have the basics, but, there are situations I come across, where I just wish, "What if I had more freedom," or "Wouldn't it be nice to have my own place. To be started on my life. Because, until then, I really don't think I've lived. And, I want to live. I want to get a start on creating the person that I want to be.
I say I'd love to be on my own. But. In all honesty, I'd love to have love. To give my love, and to know that someone cherishes it as well. Being on my own, or at least the thought of it, cancels out the pessimistic thoughts of, "if only I was independent," and, the "I wish I had my own place". Cancels out the very things I wish for. Because I'd have them. I so often long for the independence. I wish I had the money right now. Because sometimes love doesn't just happen. Sometimes it needs a little jumpstart. And, I want to be able to give it that.
"Sometimes, it comes with a shove, when you fall in love."
And, right now, I feel that this independence is what I need, to get out there, to live life as me, and not as a sheep tied down to daily routines under someone else's watch, and to show the world who I really am. To break free. So many ties I just want to break. And, so many wishes I have.
Everyday I wish. Everyday I long for the time, that I can finally wake up, with the refreshing thought, that life starts now.
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