Ever since my first winter season playing Senior B, my play has been consistently below my normal standard... and not being able to leave that impression that I am a solid player has really hurt me. People just don't think I can do anything. And I can't get that back. I know I can play better. And I don't want to hear that "I've really improved since I started." Fuck that. Improved on what, nothing? Got back to the way I actually play the game? Fuck politics, and never making teams I really should have. If I don't have evidence of certain things and the people who doubt me aren't watching what I do then I'll always be less. Sorry I'm not some egotistical fuck who believes he's the second coming of God or that I'm not a part of some cult friend group.
I've played myself out of something. And I need to play myself back.
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Saturday, August 17, 2013
Mind Ramblings
I can't go out in public without being content with my appearance. And I never am. My hair is never the way I want, my pants aren't tight enough, or they're too long, or my shoes are dirty... gaaah.
Okay. So, I went and got some pants, and I thought they fit well. I was looking for decent skinnies, that were actually tight. Tried on youth skinnies and some mens skinnies. Youth fit perfectly around my legs, and the mens fit perfectly around my waist. I got the former, and felt content with my purchase. They looked good, and felt good... til I put them on and walked around, til I tried to run, til I did anything more than stand and look good. It pissed me off, I never thought it'd be this hard to find skinnies that fit tightly, and comfortably. ._. My current pants are skinny fit... but nowhere near tight.
This leads to my shoes, and how I always see them. I love Vans to death, the brand, the shoe, everything associated with the company. But with my jeans, my black slip ons appear so small, and you can really tell that my pants are too loose, and a bit too short, and overall, it just doesn't look good. I went and found some other Vans that were nice, and really fit well, as well as being in a store that quickly became one of my favorites.
I like my shoes. I like my shirts, but my pants are too loose. Actually, I only like a few of my shirts, again, they aren't tight enough, I can't get a larger size to allow for a longer shirt, as it looks baggy. And I can't get a small, because when it shrinks.. it is too short. I don't know if it's the fact that I can't find pants that fit me... because it just looks really odd, having pants that have so much crotch, (length from the top of the waist to seam at the crotch) and shirts that are tight, and go just barely past the top of my pants.
I WISH I COULD FIND TIGHTER PANTS. I can't wait til I find employment, I'm going to completely overhaul my wardrobe, to have a bunch of clothes that are actually comfortable, and I enjoy wearing, and, also feel that I look good in.
I know that I shouldn't care about my appearance, that it's up to others and the ones who care to determine if I'm attractive, that if they accept me, then nothing else matters. And it may seem like such a shallow rant, such a shallow problem, but it really affects me. I've wanted to be attractive for so long, to look good, and I try. I really do. But it just doesn't work. I wish it did, I wish I could look good. I wish I could be happy with my appearance. But that's rarely the case. And until it I am, I don't think I'll ever be content.
Okay. So, I went and got some pants, and I thought they fit well. I was looking for decent skinnies, that were actually tight. Tried on youth skinnies and some mens skinnies. Youth fit perfectly around my legs, and the mens fit perfectly around my waist. I got the former, and felt content with my purchase. They looked good, and felt good... til I put them on and walked around, til I tried to run, til I did anything more than stand and look good. It pissed me off, I never thought it'd be this hard to find skinnies that fit tightly, and comfortably. ._. My current pants are skinny fit... but nowhere near tight.
This leads to my shoes, and how I always see them. I love Vans to death, the brand, the shoe, everything associated with the company. But with my jeans, my black slip ons appear so small, and you can really tell that my pants are too loose, and a bit too short, and overall, it just doesn't look good. I went and found some other Vans that were nice, and really fit well, as well as being in a store that quickly became one of my favorites.
I like my shoes. I like my shirts, but my pants are too loose. Actually, I only like a few of my shirts, again, they aren't tight enough, I can't get a larger size to allow for a longer shirt, as it looks baggy. And I can't get a small, because when it shrinks.. it is too short. I don't know if it's the fact that I can't find pants that fit me... because it just looks really odd, having pants that have so much crotch, (length from the top of the waist to seam at the crotch) and shirts that are tight, and go just barely past the top of my pants.
I WISH I COULD FIND TIGHTER PANTS. I can't wait til I find employment, I'm going to completely overhaul my wardrobe, to have a bunch of clothes that are actually comfortable, and I enjoy wearing, and, also feel that I look good in.
I know that I shouldn't care about my appearance, that it's up to others and the ones who care to determine if I'm attractive, that if they accept me, then nothing else matters. And it may seem like such a shallow rant, such a shallow problem, but it really affects me. I've wanted to be attractive for so long, to look good, and I try. I really do. But it just doesn't work. I wish it did, I wish I could look good. I wish I could be happy with my appearance. But that's rarely the case. And until it I am, I don't think I'll ever be content.
Monday, August 12, 2013
//:TheSystem_
There comes a day
When everyone must look at themselves
And wonder,
"Am I enough?"
What has this world become?
With rebel armies
Of tortured youth
All wanting to break free
Of this media barrage
This endless struggle
To live a life planned by them
Chasing perfection forever
Til we can't pay to walk another step
Slaves to the system
Hopes shot down again;
But we won't give up.
When everyone must look at themselves
And wonder,
"Am I enough?"
What has this world become?
With rebel armies
Of tortured youth
All wanting to break free
Of this media barrage
This endless struggle
To live a life planned by them
Chasing perfection forever
Til we can't pay to walk another step
Slaves to the system
Hopes shot down again;
But we won't give up.
*~Til Death Do Us Part~*
Sadness grips
My lifeless body,
Torn by the pain of loss.
Stitches hold together
What is left of my heart;
A soul broken,
Crying in agony as I touch her heart
With my lips;
A kiss to seal our fate
Til death do us part.
My lifeless body,
Torn by the pain of loss.
Stitches hold together
What is left of my heart;
A soul broken,
Crying in agony as I touch her heart
With my lips;
A kiss to seal our fate
Til death do us part.
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