Mind Ramblings 13: [Incompetence Is The Downfall Of Us All]

I hate when I can't do things. And, that's exactly what has lead to this day of melancholy. I mean, it started okay, or, I thought. Class was normal, ish. No, it really wasn't. I went to work on my character for 3DAnim300, the 3D class I'm in this semester, and I noticed something that really well, scared me. The controls for the joints were oriented wrong, as in, they wouldn't rotate how I'd imagine them to rotate, and that wouldn't allow for easy use as an animatable rig. To make things worse, I tried to go back to an earlier version, to see if the problem was only on that file, and found that no, it was on every single instance of my character that I had made since I initially made the controls. 3 MONTHS AGO. And, yet, nobody picked it up. I didn't, my teachers didn't, nobody who looked over the rig did. I realized what I had done. What I hadn't done. And, then when it finally hit me, the amount of work I'd have to do to get it fixed. I say fixed, but it's more like redo the whole thing. Because, well, it's quite a bit of work to single out things, fix them, and hope that they don't affect others. It's just, it's a painstaking process, and, when you're still learning, and not 100% confident with what you know about rigging characters for animation, it really truly feels like a nightmare. 3 months of work, one problem, and one day to fix it before we were expected to have it done so we could move on.

Now, I know others had problems like this, and may have even worse, and not say too much. But I can't just let it go. I could fix it, but, I want it to be perfect. To be working flawlessly. Yeah, it's my first character. But sub-par work doesn't exist in my world. In my mind, something is either shitty, or I'm proud enough to put my name on it. And, that generally means something that is made at a level higher than my fellow peers. With a few exceptions. I just, I don't like it when I feel incompetent at something I shouldn't be failing to understand, or succeed at. It's something that, when the problem arises, and I'm having more difficulty that usual, it really drags me down. Sucks me into a state of being where I am unwilling to do anything else, where I have to try and find something else that I am competent at, and can only get better. Not fall from my previous level of success. 

It's not only school work, it's other things. Take drumming for example. I've only been drumming for 6 months. Ish. And, I feel like I've learned a lot. Yeah, I've self taught all I know. But I was at a point where I felt quite comfortable with my skills. Felt they were at a point where I couldn't get worse, where I could only get better. And, felt like I was at a level where I was actually pretty good. And then... something happened. I don't know if it was my coordination, something to do with the way I was sitting, maybe my foot was tight or something, but I couldn't get anything down. Any simple patterns were challenging, anything I would have easily played through before became a badly timed mess of off tempo crap and missed notes, a pile of inconsistency and something that I couldn't stand. 

It's those times where I think, hey, I'm not having luck, no use trying to push myself too hard through it, I'll just go to something else I need to work on, or can enjoy doing and getting better at. See, I always want to make sure my skills are at the top of where they should be. That I'm always doing my best. And enjoying it. So, what better thing to do than get a ball at my feet and work on some little things with my touch and general skill that would help me. Or at least lower the level of stress in me that was threatening to boil over. 

Did it help? No. It didn't. I got out there. I couldn't take a clean touch, I couldn't juggle, I couldn't hit a ball with consistency, nothing I did was right. Yeah, it seemed right, looked right, I suppose, but every time I tried, I always did something wrong. And, it was getting to me. I was ticked off. Every bad touch just made it worse. I wanted to honestly go and break something. Do something I knew that there'd be no possible way I could fail. I was sick and tired of my incompetence. I didn't want to do anything. I couldn't do anything. All this error brought my mind into a gloomy state of despair, and I just wanted to leave this shit behind. 

I just want to stop failing. All the things I put too much priority on, all the little things I want to do better, to be perfect at. Yeah, perfect isn't possible, but until you can't get any better, or don't enjoy learning more, why stop? It's the times that I can't learn more, that my brain takes it in, but my body just says no that I really let things go to my head. That then starts my mind on a course of over-thought and doubt, and, that in turn crushes me. Removes any ambition from me. Motivation... gone. And without motivation, the day just drags on. Nothing left to do to gain back any happiness, any feeling of pride, and nobody around to at least temporarily relieve the stress. 

Nothing to do but sleep.